whatever is in the way of us giving full presence is our work
I believe social health is risking vulnerability and honesty to better know and be known in one's closest relationships. In 2010, I was asked by a mentor, "Paul, are you lonely?". I said no, but I definitely was. He said, "loneliness occurs because we either aren't fully known or we aren't fully loved. If we are fully loved without being fully known, it feels superficial, like they don't love the 'whole us'. And if we are fully known and not fully loved, then we feel rejected."
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To the measure I can trust another, I try to be vulnerable. To the measure I am trusted, I try to let others know it's safe for them to be honest with me. I hope to never come across as prying or intrusive.
On May 12, 2012, Kendra sent me, what I jokingly call an 18-page "midterm" about Listening. The ability to really listen takes practice, feedback from others, and one's own emotional processing. And still, sometimes it's very difficult. It's difficult to quiet monkey-mind chatter and self-focus while someone else is talking and truly enter into someone else's reality. What has helped us most in "our work" is learning self and other patterns through the Enneagram (below), and learning more about how to better listen (playlist to the left). If you want more direction with Enneagram work you can message me.
Part of our social health is knowing what gives and takes energy. We need to give and recharge in rhythms that fit our wiring and to respect the other person's wiring and to be kind and gracious to our needs. You can't pour from an empty cup. I am more extroverted and Kendra is much more introverted. We try to advocate for each other's needs.
Silly
Serious
For me, being really silly with someone else is vulnerable. For Kendra, being serious and inquisitive is more vulnerable. We like to integrate, stretch ourselves, and practice silliness and seriousness with our friends and family. We invite the people in our life to allow themselves to dip into the extremes of these. In play, adventure, deep-dives, and quiet, do we long for connection with others.
We long for daily, weekly, quarterly, and annual rhythms of togetherness with close and extended friends. We also pray to recline in more relationships with people who observably we have less in common with, spanning cultures, class, race, etc. And we strive to be more invitational and open to radical hospitality. We want our home to be both a safe and intimate place for our family and for those who are struggling with loneliness.
