Win at Home First

There were days when I didn't Win at Home. Many days I lost. Winning at Home First means I'm correctly oriented to my first mission, my family. While I am extremely passionate about the work I get to do - I have heard enough sad stories from older ambitious folks who, because they didn't Win at Home First, they Lost everything. They let their mission become their mistress, many times unknowingly. My goal is to be as present as I can to my family when I am home. This means I've had to make many shifts in my heart and habits. I have had to learn how to protect my mind, switch off, and recalibrate if I start running hot or drifting during those scant sacred hours.

My friend Chris wrote this short and simple e-book called Half Time to help me and other ambitious folks orient their days. The First Half of my day, like the first half of a game, is 8am-4pm, the second half of my day is from 4:30- 9:30. Half Time, is the 30 minutes I give myself to properly transition my heart from the skills and attention needed in the first half to the second half. Many working parents naturally feel like they gather "wins" at work, but "losses" at home. The book cover below depicts that no amount of "wins" at work compensates for "losses" at home. We have to "win at home first", only then can we bring our best to our mission. Our family deserves the best versions of our self, not our left-overs.

Here are some of the habits I now implement to help shift my heart and habits. When I leave for work I have an "opening ceremony" when I put on a special pin resembling that God cares more deeply for those I serve more than I ever can. I'm posturing my day to embody the belief that God will make a way for the mission of healing, restoration, and growth - so I don't have to be anxious about it. Wearing the pin is a constant reminder of this. Often, I still behave the opposite - that it's "up to me". The "up to me" feeling results in an "I'll get by" mentality where "Early in the morning, I feel stones upon my chest, - That I carry to the evening 'Til I lay back down to rest". Instead of getting by I believe God offers a "withness" that results in a thriving soul.

Because I run hot, In the middle of the day I take my foot off the gas and do one of a couple of things. I either do push-ups, a pause with the "Pause-App", a song, or some other slow-down technique to ground me.

On the way home from work I typically use the Pause-App to facilitate a connection to God, be silent, and then listen to a song on my "Win at Home First" playlist. As I listen to a song I often well-up with tears thinking about the preciousness of my wife and children and the brevity of this time I have with them. This helps the cognitive desire to be present travel 18 inches south to the heart. My heart then remembers the reason for this habit - "this season isn't going to last very long. Squeeze as much out of it as you can. Be present. You want to. You're gonna miss this." As I pull in the driveway I take off the pin, put my head on my steering wheel, and give the work back to God.

Through the Justice and the Inner Life podcast, Jedd Medefind, president of Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO) and previous Director of the Center for Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, interviews leaders who've dedicated their lives to alleviating suffering. Much of the content centers around this topic - how do I live a thriving life of Justice and Mercy over a lifetime? What are the habits, rhythms, and beliefs that allow me and my family not only to "get by" or avoid destruction, but to thrive. Much of this content is inspired by Jedd's focus and embodiment of these practices. One habit we share (highlighted in this episode) is that when I come home I try my best to put my phone away in a drawer until the kids go to bed and to not check work emails until the following day. It is crazy how many times I fail, or I at least reach for it. When I do fail I immediately start revving up. Often I don't know I'm revved up until someone else brings it to my awareness.

A final note, without a relentless focus and some accountability, I can so easily drift. That's why it has been a lifeline for me to receive the gift that Alex Kuykendall provides. Alex is the national network director of Project 127. She creates safe, private, and intimate spaces for many leaders around the country to explore the themes discussed in this post. Recently she's facilitated a group study of Strengthening the Soul of your Leadership: Finding God in the Crucible of Ministry. The final chapters of this book center around building a leadership community that can help sustain you throughout the journey. I'm currently looking for that local/regional support. I also have a coach, Andrew, who I rhythmically check-in with to help process and orient personal and organizational health.

In closing, Kendra, kids, how am I doing? And where are you in this? How is your soul? Where are you winning and losing? Pay attention to where your attention goes. Where attention goes - energy flows. Ask your spouse to read this and provide some kind, graceful, and honest feedback of where they think you are. What habits do you want to start, sustain, and stop? What small change can you implement today? My prayer for all of us is to lean in to areas of growth and celebrate areas of success. You are doing good. God and others are inviting you into deeper freedom and healing - for yourself and your family. I believe in you and I believe in me.

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Cory Carlson built an entire platform (book, podcast, coaching, speaking, and programming) based on Winning at Home First. Here are a couple of quotes and reminders that were worth the cost of the book:

• "Give your family more because they deserve it and because it sets them up for greater success in life"

• "One of the greatest wins from our predictable patterns is that our kids feel valued."

• "As the leader goes, so goes the organization. If you have boundaries, your team at work and home will take note."

• "Our story is a part of a much greater story. Until we choose to participate in the greater story, we will always be fighting small, irrelevant battles."